Everyday Happenings
by BelialKK
Summary: Things that happen a little too often in the books and games. Banquets, messages, the word "quite", and others. Typed when in a shocking fit of boredom.


Hello. This is a Dynasty Warriors/Three Kingdoms fanfic. Obviously. In future chapters, look out for south-eastern winds, messages shot over walls, outstanding feats of power, ambushes, fire, banquets with ulterior motives, psychic strategists, possessions, the word 'quite', and other common occurrences in the book or the game. It's going to be VERY historically inaccurate too, so if you want to lampoon me because I have Zhou Yu talking to Sima Yi while watching Desperate Housewives and eating a bacon roll, then take it elsewhere!

**Everyday Happenings**

**Chapter 1**

"**I think you dropped your cup…"**

It was a beautiful day in the second year of Eternal Peace in China. The sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and a slight breeze was blowing from a south-easterly direction.

Inside the palace in Luo Yang, Cao Cao was plotting how to get rid of Liu Bei. They may have been on good terms at the moment, but he had the potential to be a great threat. He must die!

"And how were you thinking of going about this, my lord?" asked Guo Jia, Cao Cao's prominent strategist at this point. Cao Cao jumped; where did he appear from? How did he know his plans?

"Well, I… err, I would rather hear your thoughts on this matter! Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the startled Prime Minister.

"Indeed. I believe you should invite him to a banquet. Once he is there, you can hide one hundred men in the corridors and behind pillars. You could even hide a few under the table. Then at a signal, which would most likely be you dropping a cup, your men will rush out and slaughter Liu Bei. Thus, you will be rid of a great threat," suggested Guo Jia.

"Ah, your plan fits in with my own ideas," replied Cao Cao.

"Funny that…"

* * *

Liu Bei was sitting in his small house in the outskirts of Luo Yang, when there was a knock at the door. He scrambled out of the chair, knocked over a set of nested tables, and stepped on Guan Yu's feet. He managed to steady himself and open the door though, while Guan Yu's eyes bulged, and Zhang Fei sighed before re-nesting the nested tables.

"Ah, greetings lord Liu Bei. You are cordially invited to attend a banquet at Cao Cao's palace tonight. Here's the invitation. You are the guest of honour," stated the messenger.

"Ah wow, a banquet!" squeaked Liu Bei with glee. "And I'm the guest of honour! Amazing! But why?"

"Brother, I don't like the sounds of this," chorused Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, "I expect Cao Cao is up to something!"

"Don't be so foolish! He's showing his gratitude for me being really nice to him, and destroying the Yellow Curtains, and hypnotising Lu Bu so he killed Dong Zhuo."

Just then, the bedroom door opened, and out stepped Zhuge Liang, followed by Jiang Wei and Xu Shu.

"This banquet is obviously a ruse. Cao Cao is planning to get rid of you, and thus he is inviting you to this banquet so to make his dastardly plan easier. If you go to this banquet you will die," chorused the three men.

"So what would you suggest I do?" Enquired the disturbed man Liu Bei. The three strategists all looked at each-other, and then spoke out.

"Go, but prepare an ambush of your own!" said Zhuge.

"Don't go, and prepare your defences here! In your house." Said Jiang.

"Burn them all!" screamed Xu.

They then turned and glared at one-another.

"Oh dear," sighed Zhang Fei, as he began to clean the mess caused by the fighting strategists.

* * *

Meanwhile in Wu, Sun Quan was wondering why nobody invited him to any banquets.

* * *

Later that day, Liu Bei left his small house, walked down his gravel path, walked out his small white picket gate, and walked to the palace. Behind him were Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, walking exactly in time with each-other. Behind them were the three strategists, still arguing about whether to ambush the banquet, fortify the small house, or burn the palace to the ground.

Before they knew it, they were at the palace. Time flies when you're having fun.

"Ah, welcome to my humble abode!" Shouted Cao Cao as he flung open the doors, almost rendering Liu Bei unconscious. "Please, come in!"

"See? It seems harmless enough!" exclaimed an excited Liu Bei.

They were led down a large corridor. Hung on the walls were pictures of Cao Cao. Some in strange poses, some of him eating, and one of him completely naked. He was most proud of that one.

"Oh my, avert my eyes, avert my eyes…" whispered a shocked Jiang Wei, before carrying on the argument.

As they were led into the banqueting hall, Zhuge Liang noticed several men standing outside the door and around the room.

"Cao Cao, why are these men hanging around the general area? I also sense that there are a few men hidden around everywhere." Asked Zhuge.

Guo Jia then swivelled his chair around, and addressed the perplexed group, "I wouldn't worry about that. They are here to ensure this banquet goes according to plan! Wouldn't want some gatecrashers to ruin our little sojourn, would we? Now take your places."

Cao Cao started to get worried. Why was his strategist sitting in HIS chair? His beautiful revolving chair! He made that. He designed it, along with his highly sophisticated Mobile Communications Device. All he needed were two cups and some string.

* * *

Sun Quan was lonely. All his people were either avoiding him, or away. Zhou Yu was training his troops. Lu Meng and Lu Xun were making animals made out of paper. Even his mother was doing something interesting, being seduced by Tao Qian, with a glint in his eye and a cheeky twirl of his cravat.

All of a sudden, he noticed a person that wasn't there before.

"Hello, Sun Quan! Stop feeling lonely."

He stared at the newcomer. It looked a lot like his brother, only taller, less rough around the edges, and with pink hair.

"Um, where did you come from?" asked a perplexed Sun Quan.

"It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm here, and we can talk and have fun!"

Lu Xun and Lu Meng went to see their lord to show him their animals (Meng made a frog, and Xun made a duck-billed platypus wearing a hat and eating a large lizard), as they felt he needed cheering up. They went up to the door, and they heard Sun Quan talking. They opened the door, and saw him talking to thin air.

They backed away slowly.

* * *

It was nearing that point in the banquet, and Cao Cao stood up. Cup in hand, he began to address the group.

"I thank you all for coming to my banquet! I trust you are all enjoying your meals?" he enquired.

"Well, actually, this meat is a little…"

"ANYWAY! I would like you all to raise your glasses and… oops, I appear to have dropped mine!"

Silence.

"I dropped my cup."

More silence.

"Hello? Cup! Dropped!"

Tumbleweed.

"Erm, do you want us to pick it up for you, or something?" asked a puzzled Guan Yu and Zhang Fei.

"No, no, it's okay, I'm just trying something. I HAVE DROPPED MY CUP."

Guo Jia then suddenly stood up, walked over to the door, and then banged on it.

"You might want to pay attention out there!" he shrieked. Suddenly, the door flew off its hinges as armed men poured through. The table was flung into the air as twelve men wielding axes leapt out from under it. From the ceiling, a further twenty men armed with swords leapt down. From a small trapdoor in the corner of the room emerged three men armed with piano wire, and from a large hole in the wall that wasn't there before emerged ten men, all of them holding a large ram.

"Alas, we are surrounded!" cried Liu Bei in horror.

"Augh, we are close to death!" sang the other two brothers in unison.

"Oh no!" shouted Zhuge Liang and Xu Shu

"I told you we should have stayed at home," said a fairly indifferent Jiang Wei, with his arms crossed.

* * *

Oh no! How will our plucky heroes escape this terrible pitfall? Will Cao Cao and Guo Jia succeed in their evil plot? Will Sun Quan get a real friend?

Find out in Chapter 2: Feats of Power!


End file.
